Attempts

From last night:

About transformation
I capture the castle
i want to go somewhere to sew reality and fantasy together. my inner world and outer world, this environment as i say does not suit me, the minute eyes land on me im out.
i go stiff. out of character i become my own. when the cameras are on its so sickening. its exhasting. my space please: curated, alone, with the people who arent to pretend. or somewhere where i dont care. this environment, the strrets.

NIght time.
transformation in a minute.
night time; where rituals, where spontinaity, but its my everyday, to swim in a lake and climb trees, where its not so tricky, concrete locked.
sickening. so dramatic. night time where, night time for dancing, singing, for no concern. night time is for freedom. i have responsibilities. they dont suit me.
suit up for responsibilities.
they dont belong with me.
buzz of a city.

i need to chase a thrill in the leaves. that would be enough. a familiearity , afreedom.

so transformation:
i think quite alot. i feel it has to be a perfect. as this theme suits me. a perfect for me is something that is everything, an infinite, for now an impossibility. so im going to have to settle, and i struggle with that. to choose.
transformation:
inner and outer world, stitch together
largely its about my mind
im thinking the transformation of me over a time period, but how to display that, does it relate to the ideas enough.
im a proper artist
certain time period of completing the project.
shes such a fuck up.
god
god is it measured as enough by how much effort i put in. god

thats funny i guess god to me is a lament to the universe.

funny

i think better in the shower, but i cant write in there, then all the pretty words together are lost. i was supposed to save the special ones but i lost them to the night.

so laaadi da something about dancing laaaaaadi daaaaaa somethign something sing ing act with out eyes
i read jij capture the castle and i t captured
#spiontinaity
spontinaity tease
sponinatiy tease me to go to a lake, swim, fire, sing, tempt so far away. lake reality swim swim reality. sing reality. hillls fire reality own own own so sad.
instead i own this longng but also a shit ton fof stuff yeah im greatful.
nature whoer, co consumerism whore
how would i coope.
any eay i would
all
abut most of my fantasy is for nature.
ao sickening, a mind.

i wish i had others.
artistic liscense takeover. i love to let my brain type please. inner not brain to not do concious . that would loooove. not even to make sense just to do i dont know reliefr, what if its like a drug what if i have to ration okay then good bye if i cna do it.
rexord my showeres let myself sing in the shower, i think berter laater, i dont want wake people. oh no. i thold you this world doesnt work for me too many cnotradicitons. anyway. i forgot, i had something.areucw ri nJW QIESA QIEJKICW RGr
wht the hell i said strive to make words work.
and i thought that was cool
the now in people is sickening. how am i using sickening, using thae way i do sickens me
code for=
making words work for it
means, is,
dunno
anyway.
dunno
god.
all is how of words work with a brain
god.

fanasy is for whores how i use 'whores' sickens me.
id giq QIESA QIEJ#FOS,
i SAID
is all of how a words work with a brain.

god
GOD
god
god words, i mean workds with a brain
my brain specificlaly but iim guessing for the rest aswell but for this one its only just clicked how well it workds, popped, satisfying, but ive already forgotton, ill have to go back and read how smart i am in my own head.
and buddah says all of this is bullshit.
he says know thyself i think that was him but its not actually at all thoughts or words or whatever, but im trying. and that all questions are shit and oto juest be. and im trying. vut im bothered alot. and it, my enironment, the place doesnt work well wiht me and i feel i have t o clahbe but he ayas the more changed the more i fuck myself or something like that but not specifficalyy that idk.
to just be. but i need or not need or whatever to just bw not here. god
if this brain in anywhere less fortunate. would i be this bratty. god
absolutely fucked . wht the FUCK
what the fuck what the fuck. this is therapy what the fuck thank god for touch typnig
you know what the desiderata: be at peace with god, wahtever you concieve him to be
god.
yeah.
bye?