Attempts

it feels so good to be understood and be appreciated for my knowledge and ideas
like i actually just listen to myself and oh my god i know something, its crazy. im crazy
all this self scrutiny and mess and pain was for something???
its so great
and oh my god
im a bit nervous about maybe liking someone a bit, i think, i dont know if i just really want to be friends, im not sure. but i feel understood and i cant ask for anything more, it gives me a thril. its been a while since ive communicated like that.
i do feel a bit giddy, im trying to calm down to sleep.
i love it i love it.
i hope i get the courage up to share my ideas, because if things take off wiht them, to share something like that and be understood, could really be something. i just want to talk and talk and connect forever, its so lonely being in a brain
being in a brain
going about daily things, but to connect? i never want to lose it.
im definitely more excited about one person. and its making me nervous.
but im funny and creatively smart and its shared when someone appreciates me and we connect and we talk and ohhhhhhh i love it i love it
the understated confidence the security and just knowing. cleverness. ive missed that. or feeling the cleverness on a certain level. and people appreciating my humour and participating ohhhhh my god. i love it i love them
so georgous. all the time just fluent in it you god.
the calm and sure.
so goood
i love it i love it
its probably just because of the fact i havent felt understood like that and been able to share like that with people for a while but this person oh my god oh my god. liking people is embarrasing though. i dont like it. hopefully i'll be able to hide it until it fades.
i hate people who are interested in me usually so i cant bear the thought of me liking someone, it feels gross and not right and it makes me feel awful. and i act less rationally i think so i hopw to never act in a strange way again. but i guess im enjoying this feeling for now, gotta remember, satisfaction in wanting satisfaction in wanting. no good getting overly upset about the wanting. i'll try to enjoy the feeling a bit without feeling too bad. if it is what i think it is.
its too long till i next see them, too long. thats the thing the wanting. ive got to be satisfied, calm. accept, accept.
work on my ideas, stay calm, accept.
i want to talk i want to talk i want to have a sleepover and do childish things and do whatever with people i want it i want. its hard to stay calm when the craving has been for so longgg. so long.
so finally something satisfied, satisfied to stoke the fire
ive been beating myself up for so long, about not being smart. and to feel a little bit smart and funny outside of some environment is liquid gold to me.
i hope i dont become dumb by calling myself smart, is it too cocky? i think ive got enough doubt and self critisism for now, lets see if that changes.

these are my thoughts abd i am sensetive so if you are super sensetive then i dont want you to get upset.
i dotn like the way i sound there but im not going to try
but i wont way anything particuarly bad i think through my self critisising if there is any, but im thinking, i dont know. so i cant say if it will confuse or upset
but nothing bad outright.

I thought my inner monologue with little editing could be the thing im able to be least protective over, i dont think it will make much sense, or be entertaining, but i think it might help me, also if i pretend i have an audience that might help for some reason who knows.

suddenly i have nothing interesting. but that doesnt really matter, see how its not even a sense, because i.
Words are difficult, i dont work in words.
we? dontt

but anyway the translate is tricky and so im not going to try hard, supposedly ive had time to get used to these, maybe this language isnt for me maybe theres a better one that suits me better,

ive gained courage recently

im proud of myself

ive thought about doing this for a while but its never the right time, im greatful

going back i wantedd to finish my previous thought. ive had time to work with words, and i still try so mych, im scared of not trying,
i hoope this is a safe place to not try so hard,

do we all struggle like i do, question mark! he he

words are awfully helpful, but cause me a great deal of stress, do others as well i dont

no body will answer my questions
i gueesss it would juest leave me with more anyway
that seems to be a reccurring theme, the more solved the more to solve, but it feels good to do something doesnt it?
not always
thats it
maybe if i do hyper worried writigna nd no worry writing ill find a balanae and offend and upset both myseldf and others less, also this is intersting#
i still cant touch type fast enough for my thoughts
which is frustrating,
but anyway thoghts whould just speed up anyway
am i origunal?
fuck spelling
im scared of saying that
thats scary
relally
im getting scared now oops.

so maybe thats time to stop, i didnt get scared at the start which i thought i would when i was thinking at night to write my monolouge
i think its nice when words have similar sounds next to eachother.

the most boring words are when they dont, like inforamtion wiht no artistic liscence, i cant do that, make a fart joke please in the instructions..

dot dot doe
#yipee.
i want to talk to people so why do i choose the place where its most difficult, i struggle with this stuff, i get very nervous,, does anybody else?
makes me feel very alone,
oops this is gettings a bit personal now ah
i wnat to be funny
the way things work doesnt work for me
do other peoplet think like this, perhaps to a lesser extend but still there? i dont see anyone edlse doing this but maybe im not looking hard enough because i think i dont have the enerfgy or im too lazy or soomething inbetween
not extreme enough
the onlly place
of course not extreme
maybe stuff like this is never meant to be seen maybe im breaking rules but i guess everyones breaking rules all the time then by that standard
is this a ridiculous level of self aware of am i stupid for mistaking this for self awareness, not stupid i dont think imm stupid, stupid is a stupid word, its gotta do for now though, im stupid in somethings and good in others.
then of course somewher in the middle for others.
stupid middle
irony everywhere
of course of course at every corner
world universe is so ironic poetic
its always of course of course.
i tried ot say
dont need disclaimer, people can stop reading if they dont want to you dont need to twll them they can stop reading, becuae i need a disclaimer i can stop reading sometimes. i play tricks aand lose and guilt to make myself read, and i struggle to focus, if im nnoy yhrd

brihn distured disturnrd
undisturbed
pp[s
im worried i need somesort of trigger woarning , i dont want to hurt people, assumke they read wich my automatic resoponse is to say, no silly they pwont, this is boring, i dont know if other were doing thins if i could would read i dont knwo and that would be my answer.#
its like a song really, the ones the smart people write with the smart lyrics, that i only understand i f i understnad, dont know if this is for otheres
i vould go on forever
not saying im smart, i alawys have to do that, i hope youll understand saying people say
i shoild stop
incoherent
this is therapy
so
sotp
dilly
mrsny dilly
meant silly byt said lavenders blue dilly dilly
HA ha
hate ha has feel fake no alternative all the laughs of ways feel fake
im gonna go back and say something at sa start
ha ha
im worried okay
probably tge end