thoughts because ims stuck agagin
May. 11th, 2024 04:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
offblovwhonighastSome thoughts from a couple days ago:
thoughts because ims stuck agagin
too much pressure ecerywhere with my writing and the special book, i find it really difficult to just enjooy stuff and with art i cant settle on a final project, dont know whats bid wnough. i think i should tell them about my feelings a bit more about how i feel ive gor to create soemthing infinite whern everything is finite and i get stuck and confused.
im very confused as to how i work
i think its workinig being more honest and commmunicating bit by bit, but when there are bad daus, and my thoughts plaugue me and i breathe and i feel i e done everything and its still all my fault, and i cling to amy relief and i try to explain and push through but it doesnt work, when ive gor a main problem, that isfixed and i get that sweet relief, thats so so good, beign stuck in the inbetween
my art though, i feel it has to be =erfect, like people who put themselves thrugh hell to perfect their craft but i dont know mine, llike mine is the art of being or philosipjy, irony, humour, and it all but not too mu h of it all a biy og othing atng a it inbetween,
oh! and how i crabe other poeple , a group, people i can talk to like peers, be on the same wave length, where i can be come part of the coral reef as an octopus, roleplay as a peer again, i miss that.
and i get jealous, so so jealous of megan, shes great, she knows it all, shes got it, a solid, im a mess, i torture myself ober it, my process is excruciating, but its the only way i know, rooted in chaos, jealous of people and their social systems, so well connected, i ought to be appreciating what i have, and i do try, i sit and think, too mcuh and i try to let them know. im worried their plotting though, i dont know how much they know. i find it difficult to trust, im not in the same place as anyone anymore, its not so clear, and i dont know their agendas, to be honest, if i weer them, id be worried about my adgendas, i always feel like ive got some scheme, even if its to settle myself, experiment. i probably have, its probably human nature. i have feeling like ive under or overestimated them though, one minute their stretched so thin, and the next their, all-knowing gods, its very confusing. and god i find it hard to be honest, i find it hard to find honest, honest is such a mish mash. Honest doesnt feel honest. do i have to store all the jumble inside, not impose it on others, wait for things to click, recognise pattterns before sharing. its exhasting, i find it hard to live in this, whatever it is. so thats why i find it hard to do the useful thing of focusing on small problems, theres so many problems and they are all piranahs attacking me.
so it makes me
hoe to get thrugh my brain sometimes, it makes when everything clicks so satisfying, thats the way things work how ji work, how ahte worrld works, how aluck works, coincidence, spirituality, gods, astrology whatever. it all just clicks sometimes, from the chaos, makes me feel like god,is this other pople, its so intense, i recognise and i breathe and i do and think and chse my mind down in circles, surely to be worn out at least, but theres some coding in there that runs far pst hwen the batterys depleted. no sescape. so sometimes thats why its so sickening.
im a mess who loves art and doesnt see the point in it, trying to create god in art.
try to save mysefl, fiz, i often dont feel in control, i of
is this what a person odes, is this normal, is this rabbit hole, do i have my head in the mud or am i god?
My nature is incessent and unrelenting.
sometimes im so normally human sometimes im so smart in my own head. sometimes i feel ive thought my self out of humanity.
and i try to stop.
i tell myself these thoughts are silly, worries are silly, they keep coming, the ones i just dismissed iwth the waht ifs and what ifs and if that isnt so stupidly human what is?
so i guess im there, and then sometimes i feel ive ascended, mindset of elite, so stupidly smart, what is it?
recognistion, am i doing this for myself i mean yes but have i made it if i publish it and it gets recognition?
do peple see me in writing
oh and thats another thogn STUPID WORDS
the motherfuckers dont even knoe themselves, thejy fprgmget themsleves. i treat words like shit.
i drag em through the mud and i frankenstien them and cut and stick and collage, you arent really supposed to do that and that gives me a kick.
so at least ive got that.
my mind tells me ive got to be the greatest, recoreate the world, change, that famous people dont mean shit, be respected through the ages, be einstein but bigger, better, im better than all of them, and stay unknown, go aobut my life, live int he woods, become a teacher, be very involved in local projects, do drugs and ie, be an philosipher, go to university, come up with theories on par, no not on part, far greater than Jung or any of them, be undeniably correct, groundbreaking.
i think ill spend all my life saying that then die, and leave my pile of paper and a memory drive, who am i kidding, a warehouse worth of data.
god
ph and gender oh fuck
nevermind.
i think from that society, how i see it is pretty easily assumed ji think i dont know.
do i feel better after this, i thingk gosaioidj.
relief, i think.
but not quite dunno if im gonna share this so excluded the intrusivw thoufht,hell im not gonna share thsi. wht do other people do.
where do they hide their thoughts.
thery arent event hat bad my intrusive ones. i just get paranoid,
its cuz i havent been drinking and such wild recently, in art i suppress exploring the side, the nudity, the gross somewhat, the sexuality. thats the problem with the edutcation system, should i ask about the rules for that?
it willl probaly be added to my mental list of stuff to wait until it builds too high and i can pick it up and is woethy of bringing up.
i feel my nature is wrong. thats it. that the individulas can be sorted, but its me whose plauging myself, all of the problems.
student teacher relationshiops make me sick not like relatoinshiops but now, just lesssns, i dont know how to navigate them, especially when i think they are cool, thats the real killer, fuck that, its all untrue the mometn that brougt down, there has to be something to crumble my respect, its sickening, i think i need it for motivation, and it makes me feel awful when i strat thinking about their needs and everything like what the fuck, its supposed to be the opposeite, but the way i work is fucked.
i ahte people my age, i do need htme though, someoens who has the mind of me but also someone compelyl differeant i cant stand myself, onr more thn one, you simgle trac ind bitch thing#words are getting trciky now, i dont know, in hiop my midn is shutting down, some form of release, reboot, i think i feel better, have some of infinity, make infity with my words. if its is even a represenetation. never mind stop that there
i need to bget yh e words
maybe its a difeerent mode like poetry as opposed to mass words, maybe i need to miz up ways of expresesing myself, idelntiyfy the est ne
i yhing im yired
hipe
nuenye
nyt
bye
thoughts because ims stuck agagin
too much pressure ecerywhere with my writing and the special book, i find it really difficult to just enjooy stuff and with art i cant settle on a final project, dont know whats bid wnough. i think i should tell them about my feelings a bit more about how i feel ive gor to create soemthing infinite whern everything is finite and i get stuck and confused.
im very confused as to how i work
i think its workinig being more honest and commmunicating bit by bit, but when there are bad daus, and my thoughts plaugue me and i breathe and i feel i e done everything and its still all my fault, and i cling to amy relief and i try to explain and push through but it doesnt work, when ive gor a main problem, that isfixed and i get that sweet relief, thats so so good, beign stuck in the inbetween
my art though, i feel it has to be =erfect, like people who put themselves thrugh hell to perfect their craft but i dont know mine, llike mine is the art of being or philosipjy, irony, humour, and it all but not too mu h of it all a biy og othing atng a it inbetween,
oh! and how i crabe other poeple , a group, people i can talk to like peers, be on the same wave length, where i can be come part of the coral reef as an octopus, roleplay as a peer again, i miss that.
and i get jealous, so so jealous of megan, shes great, she knows it all, shes got it, a solid, im a mess, i torture myself ober it, my process is excruciating, but its the only way i know, rooted in chaos, jealous of people and their social systems, so well connected, i ought to be appreciating what i have, and i do try, i sit and think, too mcuh and i try to let them know. im worried their plotting though, i dont know how much they know. i find it difficult to trust, im not in the same place as anyone anymore, its not so clear, and i dont know their agendas, to be honest, if i weer them, id be worried about my adgendas, i always feel like ive got some scheme, even if its to settle myself, experiment. i probably have, its probably human nature. i have feeling like ive under or overestimated them though, one minute their stretched so thin, and the next their, all-knowing gods, its very confusing. and god i find it hard to be honest, i find it hard to find honest, honest is such a mish mash. Honest doesnt feel honest. do i have to store all the jumble inside, not impose it on others, wait for things to click, recognise pattterns before sharing. its exhasting, i find it hard to live in this, whatever it is. so thats why i find it hard to do the useful thing of focusing on small problems, theres so many problems and they are all piranahs attacking me.
so it makes me
hoe to get thrugh my brain sometimes, it makes when everything clicks so satisfying, thats the way things work how ji work, how ahte worrld works, how aluck works, coincidence, spirituality, gods, astrology whatever. it all just clicks sometimes, from the chaos, makes me feel like god,is this other pople, its so intense, i recognise and i breathe and i do and think and chse my mind down in circles, surely to be worn out at least, but theres some coding in there that runs far pst hwen the batterys depleted. no sescape. so sometimes thats why its so sickening.
im a mess who loves art and doesnt see the point in it, trying to create god in art.
try to save mysefl, fiz, i often dont feel in control, i of
is this what a person odes, is this normal, is this rabbit hole, do i have my head in the mud or am i god?
My nature is incessent and unrelenting.
sometimes im so normally human sometimes im so smart in my own head. sometimes i feel ive thought my self out of humanity.
and i try to stop.
i tell myself these thoughts are silly, worries are silly, they keep coming, the ones i just dismissed iwth the waht ifs and what ifs and if that isnt so stupidly human what is?
so i guess im there, and then sometimes i feel ive ascended, mindset of elite, so stupidly smart, what is it?
recognistion, am i doing this for myself i mean yes but have i made it if i publish it and it gets recognition?
do peple see me in writing
oh and thats another thogn STUPID WORDS
the motherfuckers dont even knoe themselves, thejy fprgmget themsleves. i treat words like shit.
i drag em through the mud and i frankenstien them and cut and stick and collage, you arent really supposed to do that and that gives me a kick.
so at least ive got that.
my mind tells me ive got to be the greatest, recoreate the world, change, that famous people dont mean shit, be respected through the ages, be einstein but bigger, better, im better than all of them, and stay unknown, go aobut my life, live int he woods, become a teacher, be very involved in local projects, do drugs and ie, be an philosipher, go to university, come up with theories on par, no not on part, far greater than Jung or any of them, be undeniably correct, groundbreaking.
i think ill spend all my life saying that then die, and leave my pile of paper and a memory drive, who am i kidding, a warehouse worth of data.
god
ph and gender oh fuck
nevermind.
i think from that society, how i see it is pretty easily assumed ji think i dont know.
do i feel better after this, i thingk gosaioidj.
relief, i think.
but not quite dunno if im gonna share this so excluded the intrusivw thoufht,hell im not gonna share thsi. wht do other people do.
where do they hide their thoughts.
thery arent event hat bad my intrusive ones. i just get paranoid,
its cuz i havent been drinking and such wild recently, in art i suppress exploring the side, the nudity, the gross somewhat, the sexuality. thats the problem with the edutcation system, should i ask about the rules for that?
it willl probaly be added to my mental list of stuff to wait until it builds too high and i can pick it up and is woethy of bringing up.
i feel my nature is wrong. thats it. that the individulas can be sorted, but its me whose plauging myself, all of the problems.
student teacher relationshiops make me sick not like relatoinshiops but now, just lesssns, i dont know how to navigate them, especially when i think they are cool, thats the real killer, fuck that, its all untrue the mometn that brougt down, there has to be something to crumble my respect, its sickening, i think i need it for motivation, and it makes me feel awful when i strat thinking about their needs and everything like what the fuck, its supposed to be the opposeite, but the way i work is fucked.
i ahte people my age, i do need htme though, someoens who has the mind of me but also someone compelyl differeant i cant stand myself, onr more thn one, you simgle trac ind bitch thing#words are getting trciky now, i dont know, in hiop my midn is shutting down, some form of release, reboot, i think i feel better, have some of infinity, make infity with my words. if its is even a represenetation. never mind stop that there
i need to bget yh e words
maybe its a difeerent mode like poetry as opposed to mass words, maybe i need to miz up ways of expresesing myself, idelntiyfy the est ne
i yhing im yired
hipe
nuenye
nyt
bye
